IN WHICH WE APOLOGIZE FOR OUR SHAMEFUL LACK OF POSTAGE

You've all been so patiently waiting.  The Great Unknown was fantabulous (despite a near whale capsize and too many four person poop walks) that we have been taken aback by the life we all so thoughtlessly lead here in society.  Our Alaska post has been in the planning stages since we reached solid ground over a month ago, and we apologize for any inconveniences we may have caused our eager audience.  But the duzcuzzes have returned, more or less for the better (debatable), with pretty much (sort of) the same quantity of limbs and mental health, and we hope to provide you with many more laughs to come.  For now, we'll leave you with a preview of our next post, whose idea was born in the deepest of oceans and the tallest of mountains in the untouchable wilderness of Alaska.  Relieving ourselves in the wilderness became a joyous and celebrated occasion, and we vowed to photograph these moments whenever we could.  Stay tuned, because once R-Nasty and L-Nasty escape this unfortunate posting drought, duzcuz will, once again, take the world by storm.

ALSO, PLEASE LIKE US ON FACEBOOK:  https://www.facebook.com/DozensOfCousinsWithWhaleSharks

IN WHICH THE TONE BECOMES SLIGHTLY MORE SERIOUS

ANDORRA "DIDDY A SNIPER" JOHNSON
February 14, 2010- June 17, 2012
Beloved Fish, Beloved Friend, Beloved Lover

My fish of over two years unfortunately took a turn for the worst today.  It was the most heartbreaking loss I (R-Nasty) have ever had to deal with.  My "coping with the death of a loved one" advice packet was, to everyone's surprise, absolutely no help.  After a stressful week of avoiding L-Nasty's incessant calls and voicemails, having intense discussions about my day with an empty fish tank, and finally talking to one of my hate-mail senders via telephone, this was the last thing I needed.  But even so, as I took my first step into my room, which desperately needs redecorating (as of now it is baby blue with brown paw prints), there lay Andorra, slightly more grayish and rotting than his/her usual vibrant orange, and almost folded in half where that luscious, flowing fin of his/hers meets his/her spine.  The grief was too much, and I fell to the floor in heart wrenching sobs.  Our long talks into the night were no more.  I always knew I could come home from a long day of being ostracized because of my family's black-irish heritage and my determination to make a blog about Whale Sharks go viral, and all I would want was to talk it out with my one and only Oranda goldfish, Andorra.  It was a mere two years ago when I walked into that rundown Petco with L-Nasty and Stalin (aka mom).  The slightly antisocial saleswoman described all the different fish in a timid voice, but I knew exactly which one I wanted.  The moment our eyes met, I knew.  I never believed in love at first sight until this moment in aisle 3 at my local pet store, surrounded by the faint smell of gerbil urine and the sound of the parrot mocking every word the schizophrenic customer to my left said.  Andorra's black, beady eyes bore into my soul, and a fire ignited inside of me.  It was a feeling like no other.  After I named him/her after a small country that has very few virtues or things of note, I knew our life together would be one of laughter and joy.  I will miss our bonding sessions that consisted of cheese/seaweed fondue, romantic comedies into the wee hours of the night, and some not appropriate for duzcuz times that left both me and him/her exhausted for the next week.  I love you and miss you, and I am sorry that this was your fate.  I will no longer be able to sleep without the faint sound of you bullying the other fish and aggressively moving rocks around your aquarium.  I now understand the importance of Feng-Shui, even to the smallest of creatures.  Rest in peace, my dear gender confused fish, rest in peace.

IN WHICH WE GAIN FAME AND STALKERS

hey luvrs! ;)

So we reached 1000 hits the other day. We've noticed that when we tell this to old people, they look at us like we're almost better than All-Bran and analgesic suppositories, but when we tell people our own age, it doesn't have quite the same effect. Anyways, after doing skype shots to our success and dancing a couple congratulatory macarenas, R-Nasty checked facebook and discovered that we had received our first hate message. R-Nasty's been receiving boxes filled with poop for a while now (like from before we started our blog; it has nothing to do with this), but this was particularly savage. We asked permission from our special hatemailer to use him as an example of what we'd like you guys to send us.

Shmickyshmares to RoryJ:

Northside College Preparatory High School..
bet you think you're alllllllll that huh

 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJ0sA2uLvXg)
everything is so prim and proper, crisp and clean in your nice little preppy life. Oh you're well off alright, and everything has just been handed to you on a silver fucking platter. You with all your fucking cairn terriers. Don't you know terriers are for rich bitches only? And 15 gerbils? Who do you think you are, stealing all the gerbils from the rest of us. You capitalist bitch. Share the wealth, you prostitute to a senator Lucky for you, capitalist bitches turn me on. So call me 202-295-4859

IN WHICH WE SADLY SAY ADIEU TO VLOGGING

Vlogging. It's been a sexy, good time. However, L-Nasty and I had a good long talk about it, and unfortunately the trend has to end. We're leaving you with the creepiest one ever. Enjoy? (hahahaha you won't...) Also if you don't want to watch 5 minutes of a girl in a closet (but we know you do) just skip to the second bit...

PFEFFERNUSSE=BOWEL MOVEMENTS

To follow up on R-nasty's incredible retelling of BM's hidden around the house, we would like to supply you with a visual.

WARNING:  EXTREME RESEMBLANCE TO BOWEL MOVEMENTS (but we promise, they are fake, we would never go so low as to poop on a cutting board, in a microwave, or in the refrigerator. We only do that outdoors.)

IN WHICH R-NASTY ACCEPTS THE DISCOMFORT OF VLOGGING AND DOESN'T DELETE HER 6:10 VIDEO

L-NASTY MADE ME DO IT...AND YES, AFTER THE FIRST ONE, I WAS SITTING IN A POOL OF MY OWN SWEAT.  I HOPE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY TO KNOW YOUR COUSIN SUFFERS FOR YOU.

FIRST:

FOLLOW-UP:  

IN WHICH L-NASTY DRUMS ABOUT OUR GRANDMOTHER'S CAT

We both just watched this and were both uncomfortable yet titillated. Such is the power of my sensual voice and superb drum skills. Thanks to our grandma Grace (FAMILY MEMBERS READING DO NOT SHOW HER ANY OF THIS WE WILL BE DISINHERITED AND LOCKED OUT), our dedicated Slovenian viewer, and L-Nasty's AP drumming tutor.
UP NEXT:
R-Nasty vlogs. But actually, Rory, if you don't do it today, I will skip school, fly out to Chicago, buy 15 gerbils, break into your room, and make sure they shit all over your futon. That's the L-Nasty guarantee.