IN WHICH THE TONE BECOMES SLIGHTLY MORE SERIOUS

ANDORRA "DIDDY A SNIPER" JOHNSON
February 14, 2010- June 17, 2012
Beloved Fish, Beloved Friend, Beloved Lover

My fish of over two years unfortunately took a turn for the worst today.  It was the most heartbreaking loss I (R-Nasty) have ever had to deal with.  My "coping with the death of a loved one" advice packet was, to everyone's surprise, absolutely no help.  After a stressful week of avoiding L-Nasty's incessant calls and voicemails, having intense discussions about my day with an empty fish tank, and finally talking to one of my hate-mail senders via telephone, this was the last thing I needed.  But even so, as I took my first step into my room, which desperately needs redecorating (as of now it is baby blue with brown paw prints), there lay Andorra, slightly more grayish and rotting than his/her usual vibrant orange, and almost folded in half where that luscious, flowing fin of his/hers meets his/her spine.  The grief was too much, and I fell to the floor in heart wrenching sobs.  Our long talks into the night were no more.  I always knew I could come home from a long day of being ostracized because of my family's black-irish heritage and my determination to make a blog about Whale Sharks go viral, and all I would want was to talk it out with my one and only Oranda goldfish, Andorra.  It was a mere two years ago when I walked into that rundown Petco with L-Nasty and Stalin (aka mom).  The slightly antisocial saleswoman described all the different fish in a timid voice, but I knew exactly which one I wanted.  The moment our eyes met, I knew.  I never believed in love at first sight until this moment in aisle 3 at my local pet store, surrounded by the faint smell of gerbil urine and the sound of the parrot mocking every word the schizophrenic customer to my left said.  Andorra's black, beady eyes bore into my soul, and a fire ignited inside of me.  It was a feeling like no other.  After I named him/her after a small country that has very few virtues or things of note, I knew our life together would be one of laughter and joy.  I will miss our bonding sessions that consisted of cheese/seaweed fondue, romantic comedies into the wee hours of the night, and some not appropriate for duzcuz times that left both me and him/her exhausted for the next week.  I love you and miss you, and I am sorry that this was your fate.  I will no longer be able to sleep without the faint sound of you bullying the other fish and aggressively moving rocks around your aquarium.  I now understand the importance of Feng-Shui, even to the smallest of creatures.  Rest in peace, my dear gender confused fish, rest in peace.